Even though i've left you

Even though i've left you and been gone for a year today, it feels as if you still have a hold on me, i dont understand why i cant shake this feeling you've left with me, i should be free and be sheilded from the pain, but when it comes down to it, i still need you even to this very day. I hate this, i hate what you did, but i guess it will never change.

I know your there..

I know your there for me, you rescued me from a violent place.. but i cant open up to you about everything, if you knew how i really felt then would you look at me the same, that there are days where i just want to give up, you would send me to a place where they would try to analyse me and make me feel like everything is going to be okay, but they don't or wont ever know how i truly feel. I keep a fake smile on my face hoping you wont notice but its hard keeping up this barrier i feel like im about to fall..
  I'm sorry you don't know all this but what can i say, "Sister i think i want to fall and never get back up again."

Why do you hate me so.

You were meant to be there for me from day one until now. You werent there when i had a bad day from school, from when a crush broke my heart, when i was scared and alone. The nights you would stand there and scream at me with violent words that a child should never have to hear.. The amount of nights i would go to bed with eyes full of tears and thoughts of death being a better place then with you... How could you do that to me for all those years and now that im gone you try to come back with kind words and love.. But it will never be okay ever again, il never have that love to give to you anymore and i will never accept your love for all those years i wanted to be in heaven then alive like all the other kids. I will never be your little girl again..